A Double Date at Delay-tona Lagoon

I promise not all of my titles to my posts are going to be my attempt at creating clever wordplay. And I'll admit, I actually tried this time and went down the alphabet hoping to find something to better my title through attempted cleverness. But anyway, this wasn't a delay of The-Lines-Are-Too-Long-Because-This-Is-The-Best-Water Park-Ever. This was a delay of Please-Turn-Around-And-Look-At-What-This-Woman/Man/Thing-Is-Wearing - Doing-To-Its-Child - Doing-To-Itself - Et-Cetera. Some background information, it's a Wednesday evening in Daytona Beach and it's Family Night. Which, Daytona at any time is oozing with Woman/Man/Things. But you add a cheap family night into it and there you have it: The Greatest People Watching Location of All Time, Space, and Matter. As I was floating down the lazy river, I noticed some things about the age groups and cliques that one might not be as keen to notice, unless floating alongside them in a chlorine river struggling for survival in an inflated donut.
1. The Teenage Boy Group. Age: Between 13-16.
This group of adolescents are violent. And I'm talking a severely damaged. These people were completely going against the Lazy River Code of Ethics: To. Be. Lazy. Kicking, shoving, drowning, smothering... It was an underwater Black Friday. Risking their lives just for I'm-Going-To-Get-To-The-Steps-First-Glory. Steps. Murder and violence for steps.
2. The Life Guard Group. Age: Typical Life Guard Age.
Reflecting to my statements above, it's clear to say that the life guards were in fact, not guarding lives. I'm not going to go into detail about these Fake Life Guards, but my favourite was the one at the bottom of the big pink and yellow slide. Who was in no form watching or paying attention to the people coming down, but found the water going into the drains more fascinating than one being put at risk of dying a slippery pink and yellow death. I came down the slide more violently then I expected; and water burned my nose and drowned my lungs. Oh, and my contact was lost somewhere in all of that pink and yellow wetness. To complete my journey, I stood up to find the largest water creature, with a wingspan of 8 feet swimming towards me.
Me: *screams* There's a huge bugggg!
Lifeguard: ...
Me: *attempting to push the bug out of the water with my mat* Can you please get this out?!
Lifeguard: ...
Me: *still attempting to push the bug out with my mat* No, seriously. Can you please come get this?!
Lifeguard: ...
It went on like that until I walked away. The lifeguard walked towards the bug, looked at it, and did not find it as interesting as his Water-In-Drain-Game.
Me: *after walking several feet away* He's supposed to be a lifeguard. What if I swallowed that thing with the other 85 gallons of water I inhaled? And I choked and died, and all of my accomplices sued him out of a job. He didn't save my life, but I dang sure just saved his job. *hero status*